We are living in a society where we are all trying very hard into becoming something that we may really NOT be meant to be. How do I know this? I only know that I have tried in becoming many things and have failed. I truly want to give my 100%, and I am not there at all. So this action, I have gradually come to realize as a forceful action upon myself. I realized this as a parent, when I understood the value of nurturing and how I was instead working on an image in my mind for my son. Apart form parenting, I have many more examples that I can go over to reflect on this aspect in life. This I can speak from my own experimenting for the past 37 years of my life.
Like many of us, in 2021, I decided to find independent means to make money for living. I even stopped working 9–5 job so I can focus on something different. I can say that I did not put enough effort into it, but it will be very superficial way of looking at it, if I just stop there. The fact that I know is I have spent tremendous amount of energy in acting upon it. The world may only want to see the outcome so it can measure or judge.
I failed! Every single thing I have tried I have failed so far. There are different ways to work on this I guess, I can take courses, modify my strategies, work on different ideas, talk to people and so on. But how will I know it will work in the future? The mantra “Never Give UP” gonna save me? Should I keep chanting it until I become 100 year old and die eventually? It is easy for someone who have crossed the journey to recommend it, but how do they know that’s what worked for them? They may be in the “never give up” bandwagon but something else worked for them.
That brings up a very interesting question to me — what makes other succeed in what they pursue and not me?
What I think I know for a fact is:
I have the best intentions!
What I do not know:
Am I lazy?
What does lazy mean?
Do I have good ideas?
What is a good idea?
These are just tip of the iceberg questions I ask. I go very very deep into them to understand as this is one of my fav subjects to be a better holistic thinker and I am very serious about it. It does look like I am overthinking. Start then learn philosophy may not be a good strategy for me therefore, I am very serious and determined to find out for my own sake.
Yoga Teacher Training
I love yoga practice, I also love to go deeper into a pose so I can either hold it longer and be more flexible at it. In 2020, somehow the idea of becoming a yoga teacher was put into my mind. It stayed and was ripe in 2021, when I took up Yoga teacher training course because it was online and was way cheaper [I think I was targeted for this ad on Facebook or LinkedIn I believe and I caved into it]. It got too theoretical for me. I did not really like the part where I have to sit and listen about Bhagavad Gita to become a Yoga teacher and/or philosophies which are purely theoretical than applying them by practicing it daily. I also do not like the fact that this has a tie with the religion even though it is very independent entity. Therefore, I am yet to complete my teacher training.
I am not a person who will find satisfaction in completing things (because it should be) or bribe myself to complete. My brain’s personality is independent, free thinking and more than anything understanding with compassion. No habits book can fix the way this works because the brain considers habit as a very mechanical or robotic process.
I slowly realized the pattern in my life. I have been encouraging myself a.k.a forcing myself to become something that I am not for so many years. Forcing in a subtle way — through rewards, enticing myself with pleasures, comparing me with others, too much focus on the result than the application of work and so on. It is all fake! All fake for me. I do not deeply believe in any of these and I am trying to achieve something on a baseless framework that will never work for me or brings satisfaction in my life.
I do not know what my path is or where it leads to. I am only interested in shedding all the known conditions in myself and freeing me from thinking of becoming something. I feel that this gives me enormous energy and freedom. It makes me feel lighter, I can see things more clearly, be present in the things I already do, enjoy doing, appreciate the details, immerse in my relationships. One thing I truly am is compassionate. I have deep compassion for my planet and huge responsibility to care of it deeply. All I know is I need to stay with this, and take careful steps for my future. I am patient, I know what has not worked for me so far. It gives me freedom and confidence to find out for myself what will work for me in future and my compassionate commitment towards that!